TIFT #130: Dealing Successfully With Narcissists

First, I love animals, especially birds, but this one had a look that seemed to capture the attitude of self importance that goes with pathological human narcissism. So please don't take this image as a slur against such a fine raptor.

Understanding two principles will guide anyone in dealing with a narcissistic person. First, though, I think the diagnosis may be being abused lately. It’s not only for males and it is well worth following the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM criteria. They do a good job of describing narcissism. Just look them up on the internet. There are too many sufferers from this disorder without adding those who are misdiagnosed. Here is the first of the two principles:

Self-esteem is a leaky tire

This means the person needs constant renewal of success, praise, and adulation. Even after a big dose, they will soon need a refill. The need for self-esteem is all important in understanding narcissism because it trumps everything else. What I mean is that anything that interferes with self-esteem will be sacrificed. That includes empathy for others, truth, fairness, etc. None of those niceties comes close in priority to things that reinforce self-esteem. The need is so compelling that the person’s relationship with reality or truth will regularly be compromised in the interest of supporting self-esteem. As I will explain later, the need is experienced as matter of life or death. The extreme nature of the need explains why it is so powerfully driven.

The need to pump up the leaky tire also creates a division between the inside group and outsiders. Inside people can be used and abused as needed, but outsiders must be courted to gain their adulation. They are treated well, while those insiders, who have sacrificed the most, are treated as objects to be used. Understanding this simple principle puts much narcissistic behavior in perspective. There is another principle that explains the rest.

Self-Esteem is a Zero Sum Game

The second principle is that narcissistic individuals feel bigger if the other person is diminished. In contrast, if another person succeeds, they feel smaller. Power and control equate to self-esteem. In a relationship narcissists are constantly compelled to look for weaknesses in the other. They probe so they can bring the other person down and feel bigger for having done it. This is regardless of the consequences or what they might owe to the other. It's a reflex, an automatic response. They do this in many ways, for example, expressing critical judgments about others or making them uncomfortable. Provoking an argument is a great way to win because, according to their assessment, they always come out on top. Any other provocation that triggers the other person’s vulnerability will work as well.

Normal healthy people soon get tired of being challenged and put down. If they are locked into a relationship, they tend to want to get the narcissist to stop doing that. But that means changing the other and that is necessarily a challenge to the narcissist’s self-esteem. It will always be met with a life-or-death attack in response. Trying to change the narcissist never works, and, in fact, reveals a weakness in the one who is seeking change. As a very general rule, needing the world to treat us in a particular way rather than adapting to reality on its terms is the opposite of resilience. It is a way of giving away our power. In doing so, we put ourselves at the mercy of people and forces we can’t control. Being able to adapt is a sign of resilience and strength. That's why complaining to the narcissist or trying to show them their faults is always a mistake.

What's underneath

The reason why some people suffer from these inner imperatives is important. Twin studies show that a significant part is genetic, but a lot is due to two-year-old development, where the narcissistic person is either over-indulged or consistently rejected. At that age, any threat is treated as a life-death calamity. Emotions arising from earlier in development are usually bigger than those coming from later in life. Small children have no way to assess the relative danger they are experiencing. That's why temper tantrums are so intense. Under healthy conditions for development, children experience give and take and learn that losing a power struggle is not the end of their world. For the narcissist to be, indulgence means never learning to lose power struggles gracefully. Losing is then treated as an ultimate threat. For those who are consistently rejected, one more loss feels unsurvivable. Both ways, propping up a fragile self-esteem becomes an absolute requirement no matter the cost or what others have to pay.

For Those Who Stay

For someone who chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissistic person, the first requirement is to give up on receiving anything from the other and to be content with whatever they bring that is positive. After that, it’s all about limiting conflict and getting along. Here is how to do that.

The ideal solution is to adopt a stance of being the stronger, wiser person, one who shows the way and with tact and warmth, never holds the narcissistic person accountable, or tries to hold up a mirror. Even though they are not fair to others, letting the narcissist off the hook makes sense because they really can’t help themselves. It is an illness they didn’t choose. Having to fight every day to keep self-esteem afloat is not fun at all.

The pathway for success is this. Narcissistic people have it in them to look up to someone stronger than themselves if that person is perceived as needed and does not challenge their self-esteem. They will still test for weaknesses, but a bit less so over time. The best way to learn this is stance is to practice being a strong, supportive person who respects the narcissist’s accomplishments, and has no interest in correcting their failures, only a willingness in a tactful way to show how life can be lived. Those individuals who have succeeded in handling a relationship with a narcissist have done so by being as strong as stone yet being helpful and useful, too, all the time without making the narcissist feel uncomfortable or less than. The key is “no hooks, no barbs, no hints of criticism or pressure to change.”

What’s behind this is that trying to change a narcissistic person is an assault on their self-esteem and will provoke a life-or-death defense. Dare I repeat once more? That’s not what we want, so any attempt to get the narcissist to change or even to recognize what they have done wrong is to be avoided at all times. This is hard, especially for spouses, who don’t want to have to defend themselves day in and day out, and would like the narcissist to police themself. Sadly, that goal must be let go. If that means planning to exit the relationship, then so be it. But as long as a partner is staying, then following these principles is critical.

If you arent' that strong, there is still hope

Here is an amazing way to show strength. When the narcissist has accurately uncovered an emotional vulnerability, a weakness, if we simply admit it as if we are at peace with our flawed self, that is an indication of a deeper and greater strength. “You are right, I do have doubts about my cooking ability. I’m sensitive about that.”  Full Stop. The full stop is essential in demonstrating comfort with one’s self. If you go on to explain or justify, then you have gone into weakness. The Full Stop is a powerful way to say you are satisfied with the way you are and see no interest in trying to prove anything or change the other. 

 If all else fails, disengage

When there isn’t an ongoing relationship, or even when there is, a provocation is an attempt to find a weakness in the other. Showing any discomfort or upset confirms weakness and guarantees further attacks. As your self-esteem goes down, the narcissist's goes up. There are two possible responses. One is to show warm hearted strength, as described above and the other is to disengage.

If you are hanging on for your emotional dear life, then what's left is to disengage. Comfortably saying, “I am not ready to discuss this” is a strong way to do that. Walking away leaves nothing to grab onto. Disengaging emotionally while remaining physically present works just as well. This has a name.

A technique called the “Gray Rock Method” has been described extensively on the internet, consisting of avoiding giving any ammunition to the narcissist’s attempts to uncover and attack weakness. That means being emotionally neutral and unresponsive, avoiding revealing feelings or opinions or anything that might feed an attack. Narcissists don't like this. Doing so will yield strenuous efforts to overcome the barrier and to provoke you into a reaction. Any emotional reaction is a win for the narcissist and an indication of weakness. It’s critical to be ready for attempts to provoke you. The reaction on the part of the narcissist will be powerful, not only because the lack of feedback disables the manipulations and provocations, but it leaves the narcissistic person without control and alone. Narcissists need others desperately to replenish their self-esteem. Not being in control is another threat to self-esteem and is nearly intolerable. It is not easy to resist the narcissist's attempts to overcome disengagement. Many individuals will eventually give up and fight back, yielding oxygen to the narcissist's desire for a fight that he or she will inevitably find a way to win.

When Tire Pressure Is Getting Low

Stresses and defeats are inevitable, even for successful narcissists. When these happen or simply in the absence of new sources of self-esteem, the need to pump up the tire will increase. Here are a few typical dynamics. When the narcissist has clearly made a mistake, they will not apologize or acknowledge the fact. The next day they will act as if nothing happened. When laid low by a real and major defeat, they can sometimes begin to treat others with respect. This can last for months, but only until they have regained their footing. When possible, they will handle defeat by blaming and attacking others. As the defeats mount, they tend to become more desperate and do ever more extreme things to gain self-esteem and power. This can lead to even greater defeats and ultimately some form of implosion.

These two principles explain pretty much all the criteria and characteristics of pathological narcissism as well as how to deal with such people. Sadly, while the underlying characteristics are simple and clear, such people gravitate to positions of power and control, widening the circles of those who are used to support self-esteem. As they do, being in the inner circle becomes increasingly dangerous and demanding. Even then, the one truly successful approach to managing the relationship is to exhibit comfort with oneself and understanding of the other.

Jeffery Smith MD

Photo Credit:  mihaly-koles, Unsplash